Declarative Language Handbook: Using a Thoughtful Language Style to Help Kids with Social Learning Challenges Feel Competent, Connected, and Understood

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Simply put, imperative language requires a response. This can be problematic for children, especially if they have a language impairment. Examples of imperative language include:

At first, you might not think that making a comment or a statement instead of a question would make all that big of a difference. But declarative language is powerful! Focus on the long term objective of building a child’s ability to cope rather than short term compliance. Be clear and precise whilst being indirect – for example “I wonder if you could help me. I need four blue cups, from that cupboard, to be put on the table in the kitchen”. As I've dived into learning everything I can about gestalt language processingover the years, I noticed that declarative language kept coming up as well. It's perfect for modeling scripts or gestalts and helping with those pronoun reversals. So it just further reinforced how beneficial it is to use this type of language with hyperlexic kids. They are gestalt processors after all. Models gestalts/scripts that gestalt language processorscan easily use and mitigate (e.g., "Let's go to the park!" instead of "Do you want to go to the park?")

About Linda Murphy

You might be a therapist or a teacher, or you might be a parent, grandparent, or babysitter. Your child might have a diagnosis such as autism, Asperger's Syndrome, PDA, ADHD or Non-Verbal Learning Disability. But they might not. No matter your child's learning style, this book was written to help you feel equipped to make a difference, simply by being mindful of your own communication and speaking style. Now that you have the tools, how can we apply these to help kids have successful interactions with each other, develop positive relationships, form friendships, and learn together? Specific topics covered include a framework for how to approach and think about peer interaction through this relationship-based lens, example natural environment and more structured activity ideas, and ways to introduce and include kids in competitive games so that they stay engaged and successful. I have mixed feelings about this book. On the one hand, reducing imperative/commanding language can be critical for working harmoniously with some children (neurodivergent or not!), but particularly with PDA kids. On the other hand, one of the biggest pet peeves that autistics have with allistics is their frustrating tendency to not speak clearly and say what they mean!

Learning about declarative language was a complete gamechanger. It's helped me become much more intentional about the language I use around my kids and how I phrase things. Yeah, well, any group of learners that are neurodivergent, I would say, like if we could use that, I’ve heard that it’s, although this wasn’t my intention, I’ve heard a lot from the PDA community that it’s very supportive and effective there. I think it’s really supportive with individuals who have diagnoses of ADHD, autism, twice exceptional nonverbal learning disability, oh, and executive function difficulties, like I think it also can come into play there. And now also neurotypical learners also respond really well to this style of communicating. And I think the thing about it is, one of the most important things is it puts it on us, the teacher, the caregiver, the therapist, to just own our own communication, and really think about how to share information with this learner in a way that they can receive it. So that’s why it can really be powerful for all learners, because we’re adjusting our communication to present it in a way that’s inviting, that’s positive, that’s guiding, that’s supportive. And that provides them the information that they really need in that moment. Like that. It’s good for everybody. But I also have heard that too, a lot of I’ve heard it’s just been really helpful as a general parenting book, even for parents and caregivers who are not in the same world that It can feel like a very steep learning curve to learn all about demand avoidance and develop a tailored, flexible framework of approaches. Eventually it’s likely to become second nature as you become more in tune with your child’s strengths and needs. Over time, as your child’s self confidence, emotional maturity and trust in the world develops, and as they gain more control over their lives as they get older, they may be able to cope more flexibly with demands. Their demand avoidance won’t go away, but they may develop more self-help tools and coping strategies. What's dad cooking for supper?" ➡ "I think I smell lasagna!" or "I wonder what's on the meal plan for supper tonight."

Things you’ll learn from this episode

Here are some of the benefits of using declarative language, including some example. There's likely more than what I cover below, but it will give you a taste of what you can expect. Barry Prizant and David Finch Talk About Their New Podcast, Uniquely Human (Tilt Parenting episode) focusing on their many positive qualities as well as trying to support them with areas that they find difficult Yeah, I too, have seen or noticed a sea change may be a slow one. But I started Tilt almost seven years ago now. And the landscape is so different from when I first started doing this podcast and started doing this work. And that is really exciting for me to see. And there does just seem to be a lot more openness and curiosity about how can we better support neurodivergent kids and really meet them where they’re at even just the approaches to doing that. And so it’s more compassionate is more about CO regulation, it is with more understanding of the nervous system and you mentioned fight flight or freeze response. And so it’s exciting. One of the things you talk about this being really supportive for kids who have social learning challenges, how would you define social learning challenges? Validates a child's feelings and experiences (e.g., "I can see that you're frustrated that your sister is using the red crayon. I wonder if we could ask to borrow it when she's done with it." instead of "You're okay, it's just a crayon.")

Balancing tolerance and demands – a child’s ability to cope with demands will vary from day to day and from hour to hour, so try to control the ‘input’ of demands accordingly (remembering that demands are many and varied) and build in plenty of ‘downtime’ to give space for anxiety to lessen and tolerance levels to replenish. Wondering what is declarative language and whether you should be using it with your autistic or hyperlexic child? Below you'll learn what it is, its benefits, and how to use it. We'll also look at different declarative language examples.

Supporting sensory needs

Linda describes declarative language as a positive, thoughtful communication style that emphasizes understanding, patience, respect, and kindness, and as you’ll hear, it is an ideal communication style for neurodivergent children and kids whose nervous systems are triggered by demands or imperative communication styles. What if people mostly used language with you to tell you what to do or to tell you that you should have done it better? I think you'd agree, that would get discouraging rather fast! For individuals with social learning challenges, this is too often their experience. Through this handbook, Linda guides us to notice how a shift in our use of language (from imperative to declarative) can fundamentally shift how children relate to us and the world around them. Through many practical examples and tips for developing our own use of declarative language, Linda provides us the tools to build positive, pro-active relationships with the individuals we parent, teach or counsel." Headphones playing a child’s favourite music or audio book for those who become easily overstimulated by noise and crowded places